November 2011
1 post
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October 2011
3 posts
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Anonymous asked: IM me on Yahoo Msngr it's important. my username is jonespapaspp121345
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This One Is Actually Pretty Cute, or Would Be If...
One day, I will be 25 and pursue you to be my lover.
September 2011
7 posts
4 tags
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Ah, the Sweet Sanctity of Marriage
i just joined this website thing and i just saw your profile. i like it. I’m going to be straight forward,…would you be interested in hooking up with a 25 yo guy in the military?…who is married (please don’t judge) I’m just not intimately fulfilled and so im discreetly trying this without anyone’s knowledge?…if you have any questions you can ask me. talk...
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Upon Losing a Bet that Meant He Owed Us $100.
“I’ll give you $100 worth of dancing.”
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Because When You Get Right Down to It, Women Just...
“Shots of whiskey lick you head to toe or licking then whiskey that up to you. You wont be disappointed.”
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We Haven't Dated in Eight Years
1:55 AM - Hey bitch
1:55 AM - I want to smell you
2:08 AM - ????
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For the Last Time, If You Are Not a Poet, Don't...
new poems
need new moments.
the unfamiliar smell of rooms other people clean
a gentle stronger hand
life less conditioned
and time spent in your pussy (gross.)
stop me
stop yourself
put it on
take it off
knees
back
transparent
black
want you here
smiling like a laceration
giggling my content (gross.)
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Stoplight Party
Him: Is that yellow you’re wearing? Or brown?
Her: It’s yellow, the color of ambiguity.
Him: I thought yellow was the color of sexual proposition.
Her: No.
Him: So what would you do if someone sexually propositioned you?
Her: (Gross.)
August 2011
5 posts
4 tags
This is what happens when boys find out you're a...
I’m going to use you. I don’t know if you will willingly reciprocate. To sate my ego I’ll believe that by ignoring this message, you’re using me to increase your selective response rating. It’s a shallow stance, found only when wading knee deep through the brothel of intellectual lusts. Where cliché is checked at the door, and only a notebook encased in mutilated...
Anonymous asked: I get the impression you really aren't liking the male form at the moment. Just letting you know that we're not all egotistical, gods-gift lunatics with a certain degree of irritating persistence. Some of us are nice, loving, and the best you'd ever have (and no, I'm not just talking about sex). Some of us are capable of love and kindness, and sometimes even, a sense of humour...
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The Worst Thing I Ever Heard
“I wish my wife would die in a car accident so I could fuck you.”
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If You Utilize This, Our...
lol ;)
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Yes sir, that's why you're still single, to...
“My music is something i am VERY serious about. girlfriends have a habit of breaking up bands. that wont happen in this case. i will send your ass packing. music is a career for us, we are prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve our goals. if you get in the way of that, then i am sorry for you.”
July 2011
10 posts
2 tags
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I Believe She Gave Him the Facepalm
“So, you lived in Taiwan? That’s in Japan, right?”
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How to Turn a Girl Off in Five Text Messages or...
“I’m glad you hit me up. Bore-dumb is killing me.”
(Insert brief conversation where I lie about being at a far-away bar to discourage him from sating his bore-dumb by meeting me out.)
“I mean I could potentially get a ride there but I don’t really have a way home.”
(Gross. No response.)
“Or not…but we should chill sometime. Fo sho.”
(No...
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Consider me wooed.
“Hey, Miss Booty. Damn, you got some pretty eyes!”
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Best. Post-Breakup. Typo. Ever.
“You’ll bever know what you missed.”
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A Helpful Compare/Contrast
Good idea for an online dating profile username: FindingNeema
Bad idea for an online dating profile username: ChodeLord
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How the Rich and Famous Woo
“I have two books published! I’m publishing a third! None of these guys have published books! They all want to get published, well, I got published! TWICE!”
(It should be noted that this was said while I was chatting with other people at the party… and while he threw copies of his books into my lap)
June 2011
13 posts
3 tags
after meeting a polite young man at the complex...
Boy: “I am available all week for poolside relaxation, creative writing inspiration, and commitment free sex.”
Girl: “I am available no weeks for none of those things.”
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Boy meets girl. Boy texts girl. Boy asks girl to...
Text: 03:32 AM Come watch me cam on this sex site with these gay dudes
Text: 03:46 AM You’re gonna miss me whip my dick out for these dudes
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An Eloquent Man: Another User Submission, Another...
” hhmm.. that looks kinda like a mug of pbr in your hand.. im unna guess its sumthen more yuppy like a blue moon tho… so when ya gunna lemme read sum of this poetry u write kitten.. u no im not to good at maken that oatmeal rasin cookys either.. they make that shit n the tube thogh if u dont grub all the cookie dough in the car on the ride home from the store.. personally my dough neva...
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It's even worse on the internet... Part II: After...
“I guess we could switch it up a bit. For your information, I’ve worked my stamina up. Don’t be surprised when you are jet propelled into the ceiling fan by your pus*y juices like Apollo 11. And if I hydrate well enough during the week leading up to it I can Rinse, Wash, Repeat until your cute, little pube landing strip is rubbed off by friction. I’ll pick up some 5 Hour...
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Our First Reader Submission: The Entirety of an...
“I miss red easily, I see shapes better. I’m Gordon. Do you like to dive for lobsters or spear fishing?”
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And then he kissed me
Me: What’s that smell?
Him: I just ate a bunch of onion straws.
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Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Lose My...
Him: You’re a virgin? You’re cute as a button!
Me: Would you like to pitch your flag on uncharted soil?
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An Oldie, but a Goodie
“I’m married, but…”
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Even worse on the internet... Part I
“I came across your profile and was quite enamored by such an articulate and heavenly blessed beauty. I would be kicking myself if I didn’t ask, so I was wondering if you would accept an engagement of witty banter between two intellectuals? Of course this “engagement” may start off as purely platonic but my sensual desires will most likely guide our cohesive unity down more...
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The Backhanded Compliment
“I should tell you, I’m, like, 85% gay. But the good news is, the fact that I’m fooling around with you is a HUGE compliment.”
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Is this a compliment?
“You belong in an exhibition.”
