So I know you are real tell me regarding your feet do you have high or low arches.

i just joined this website thing and i just saw your profile. i like it. I’m going to be straight forward,…would you be interested in hooking up with a 25 yo guy in the military?…who is married (please don’t judge) I’m just not intimately fulfilled and so im discreetly trying this without anyone’s knowledge?…if you have any questions you can ask me. talk to you soon!

I’m going to use you. 

I don’t know if you will willingly reciprocate. To sate my ego I’ll believe that by ignoring this message, you’re using me to increase your selective response rating. It’s a shallow stance, found only when wading knee deep through the brothel of intellectual lusts. 

Where cliché is checked at the door, and only a notebook encased in mutilated Louis Vuitton will grant entry; a “book cover” made from a cover-girl’s runway accessory. Do they make something smaller than a size zero? It wouldn’t matter, there’s only room for two here. 

Momentum is lost. The vehemence of preparation and penetration has come and gone - cuddle up in quiet comfort with a coffee, while flailing and clawing for interest. Play cool. 

(And fail at doing so.) 

Sweat percolates through the facade; fingers perch softly on eyebrows. Then pinch together, favoring the right side, “catch the droplet before she sees.” Suave and deceitful. Now admit to it. 

Any chance that bought the sympathy vote? 
About as likely as a paper dog successfully chasing an asbestos cat through hell.
Heart just sank. Location? Stomach. No. Lower. Fuck. Pull together. 

How do you turn a phrase into the phrase that pays? 

Knots come undone. Windsor drops like a douche before a royal flush. 
Undressed. Get cold. Turn to the right slightly, a Kodak moment for the faint of heart. 

I could say I used you for this because okcupid suggested I send a message to increase my profile status. 
I’ve said too much. 
Anti-climactic. Underachieved. Don’t proofread. 

Perfect. 

Now hit send.

Good idea for an online dating profile username: FindingNeema

Bad idea for an online dating profile username: ChodeLord

Match percentages be damned, this is love!

” hhmm.. that looks kinda like a mug of pbr in your hand.. im unna guess its sumthen more yuppy like a blue moon tho… so when ya gunna lemme read sum of this poetry u write kitten.. u no im not to good at maken that oatmeal rasin cookys either.. they make that shit n the tube thogh if u dont grub all the cookie dough in the car on the ride home from the store.. personally my dough neva makes it to the crib..”

“I guess we could switch it up a bit. For your information, I’ve worked my stamina up. Don’t be surprised when you are jet propelled into the ceiling fan by your pus*y juices like Apollo 11. And if I hydrate well enough during the week leading up to it I can Rinse, Wash, Repeat until your cute, little pube landing strip is rubbed off by friction. I’ll pick up some 5 Hour Energies on the way over.”

*it should be noted that he added the asterisk to the word “pussy” so maybe chivalry’s not dead after all

“I miss red easily, I see shapes better. I’m Gordon. Do you like to dive for lobsters or spear fishing?”

“I came across your profile and was quite enamored by such an articulate and heavenly blessed beauty. I would be kicking myself if I didn’t ask, so I was wondering if you would accept an engagement of witty banter between two intellectuals? Of course this “engagement” may start off as purely platonic but my sensual desires will most likely guide our cohesive unity down more erotic, lascivious, and sexual paths that will include but are not limited to passionate make out sessions under the star lit sky, dry humping, fondling each others naughty parts inducing orgasms, and an abundance of new uncharted sexual positions where I assert my pure dominance in establishing a realm of absolute sovereignty in your nether regions. Is this something you would be interested in pursuing?”